His Darkest Hour
by HumanEmotion
Summary: When ones world goes dark, is there still a way back out? Or will it become the end of everything? UPDATE: Chapter 2 is up!
1. Chapter 1

His Darkest Hour

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Blue Bloods. It belongs to CBS, the writers and the creators -and something about Panda's. Panda Productions maybe? Anyhoo, I am not any of these. ^_^ Oh, but I did come up with the character/name of Sergeant Greg Calito. It's pure coincidence if someone has the same name. ;)

**A/N:** Okay... so this is really different that what I normally would do. I got this little seed while writing something else. I emphasize the word "seed" because I expected it to grow into a tiny little plant and instead, it blew up into a tree. Fourteen typed pages, six thousand-some words later... it was meant to be a one shot, but I'm going to break it into two chapters (please don't kill me! Begging!). I actually debated on whether I should publish it or not. I've gone over it so many times it's losing it's meaning to me, so I just decided to upload it.

It's dark. It's of sensitive nature. It's rated M. This could go very well or very, very wrong...

Enjoy. :) (I hope...)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 1<span>

Blurry images flooded his alcohol-soaked brain. His mother's funeral. Joe's funeral. Sydney returning the ring, giving him one last sad look as she walked out of his life forever. He always managed to lose everything. He could hear Danny's cruel taunts as a teenager, Erin berating him for messing up her things. He remembered that agonizing phone call from his father, telling him his beloved brother was dead. He could still hear the disappointment in his father's voice and remember the awkward shock of the rest of his family when he told them he was joining the Police Academy. He could see himself stupidly hesitating to pull his own gun when he didn't know if the subject was armed. He could remember the moment he found out that Joe had been investigating the Blue Templar. He remembered the pain…

He remembered when the FBI had approached him. He wanted so bad to just say yes, to continue where his brother left off. He turned them down. He researched the Blue Templar anyway… he found out what he both desperately wanted and needed to know and, at the same time, what he desperately _didn't _want to know… his brother had been murdered by those who had sworn to protect….

He remembered the kiss, Laura's soft lips against his… so desperately he wanted to follow through, but he was assigned to protect her, merely a watch dog. He felt the fear as he nearly lost her because he'd messed up, forgot to double check who was coming to replace him, didn't keep a closer eye on her; he remembered pulling his gun, shooting another human being. He remembered the desire he'd felt as he had to turn away from Laura, the desire for companionship, the desire to be with someone, a woman… knowing that as soon as he turned away, she'd leave his life forever, just like Sydney…

Undercover work… the things he had to witness, the things they made him do; he nearly killed for them, just to keep himself safe. He could never get rid of that feeling of disgust, of self-loathing….

He remembered his most recent screw up only a month earlier… it was his fault; he'd walked right into it. Dumb rookie needs saving once again… a well-respected officer died because of him, all because his brain froze as a shotgun was pointed at his face…

He never _could_ do anything right. Always managed to mess up the simplest of things…

It was pitch black outside, the darkness following him inside… he could see nothing, _feel_ nothing except for the ache that encompassed his whole body… his family was avoiding him. Sure, they made attempts, but he was sure they were just playing their societal and familial roles. Why would they want to be around a screw up? They were better off without him and they knew it… _he_ knew it….

His breath hitched, his lungs felt like lead. The dark air was thick around him, pressing down, coiling through his body, laughing at him. He couldn't breathe; the ache was turning into a sharp pain, needles forcing their way through his skin; it felt like it would explode out of him at any given moment. Short, painful breaths tore from his throat as tears rolled down his cheeks…

The cool, curved metal felt right in his hand.

~~BB~~

Danny grumbled to himself and he fished for the keys in his pocket. He jogged up the steps to Jamie's apartment, nodding at the doorman as he entered. He headed towards the elevator, repeating and retracting the words he wanted to say to his brother. Jamie had had a rough time of it. A domestic disturbance call a month ago ended in gunfire and a 10-85 to his location. Officer down. The words "officer down" struck cold fear in every man and woman on the force, no matter their rank. Danny only heard another detective muttering softly to his partner, but managed to catch the words "gunfire" and "Reagan" though he didn't know how they connected. His blood froze. He didn't wait for Jackie to call his name, didn't wait for her to catch up. He tore out of the precinct, preparing for the worst.

Reaching the scene, he felt relief to see Jamie standing there, surrounded by other uniformed officers. Renzulli was there; he hadn't been partnered with him that night, but he was first on scene once the 10-85 went out. He had seen Jamie sitting on the floor in shock, a welt on his forehead where he'd been blindsided entering the small apartment first. His partner that evening, Sergeant Greg Calito, a fifteen year veteran of the force, had been only steps behind him. Jamie had his gun in hand but hadn't thought to raise it, brain frozen and still dazed from the hit to the head, when he found the barrel of a shotgun pointed at his face. His partner tried to talk the man down but the man, brains addled by drugs and alcohol, only continued to shout incoherently, waving the gun. He was only seconds from firing at Jamie when he turned and shot at Calito instead. Calito fired off two rounds, and Jamie got his head together enough to fire off one shot. All three hit their mark… but Calito was dead. Jamie didn't even have to touch him to know that. There was so much blood, and a bullet hole in the neck doesn't usually equal survival. Renzulli entered to that scene; Calito lying in a pool of his own blood, the suspect lying in another… and Jamie sitting on the floor, shock and pain written all over his face, shaking body unnoticed, radio in one hand and gun in the other.

Renzulli helped him out of the apartment that night as other officers screeched their cars to a halt, pounding up the steps to the chaos and blood inside the apartment. He recalled that it took all of his strength just to keep Jamie upright; he wasn't sure if Jamie was about to pass out or if he had retreated so far into his own mind that he didn't even realize he was moving. He walked him over to an NYPD car, helping him to lean against it. An EMT did his best to check him over, but Jamie didn't respond to him. He didn't respond to anyone.

That's how Danny found him, leaning against the car, arms crossed, looking pained and lost. Renzulli stood faithfully and protectively by his side, a hand constantly on his shoulder. Danny watched as Renzulli would occasionally lean towards him, asking him something, giving his shoulder a squeeze. Then he'd pull back, concern radiating from him like light from a light bulb. He spotted Danny at once, throwing him a helpless look of despair and fear. His partner and friend appeared to be broken, and he didn't know how to fix him.

Danny hurried over to his side. Renzulli made to leave, but Danny motioned for him to stay. His fellow officer seemed to be the only thing that was keeping his brother upright.

"Jamie…" Danny started, leaning down to try to make eye contact. Jamie's eyes remained firmly on the ground. "Come on, kid, look at me." He touched a gentle finger to Jamie's chin, forcing his head up. Jamie's eyes walked a slow trail to meet his. Danny's heart broke at the pain he could see swimming in the watery depths. His heart shattered when two tears trailed down Jamie's face. Renzulli turned away at this point, unable to watch his friend break into pieces.

"It's not your fault, Jamie. _Not your fault_!" Danny said forcibly, practically begging his brother to understand.

Jamie suddenly seemed to stand straighter, seemed to snap out of the funk he had been in. He raised his chin.

"I know."

Danny and Renzulli shared surprised looks as Jamie left, walking over to another officer who was waiting to take a statement from him. They watched incredulously as Jamie acted as if it was no big deal. They had no idea what was going on.

As the next few days went by, Jamie continued to act as if nothing was wrong. He still refused to talk about what happened. He wouldn't talk to Danny, just brushed him off if he tried to bring it up. He wouldn't even talk to his father. Frank had tried, of course; he had read the police report, after all, and had talked to both Danny and Renzulli, learned how Renzulli had found his youngest son, how Danny had felt when he saw the broken man that was his brother. Jamie wouldn't have it. He would change the subject, pretend he hadn't heard. He even stormed out once, yelling at his father to leave him alone when Frank persisted in questioning him. Nearly ran down his own niece in his haste to get out of the house. Both Danny and Frank had run after him, Danny pausing only briefly to help Nicki up from where she had tripped over a footstool in her haste to get away from her manic looking uncle. Danny reached his father's side at the edge of the lawn just in time to see Jamie peel away, going much too fast. Frank had turned on him then, demanding an answer as to what was going on with his youngest son. Danny could only shrug and shake his head, the fear eating at them both.

Danny had been relieved when, a few hours later, Jamie answered his cellphone. He had gotten back to his apartment in one piece. He even apologized for his behaviour; it had been a rough day, and he took his anger out on his family. He felt bad the minute he was away from the house. Danny knew that didn't explain why he never came back. If he felt so bad about it, why didn't he apologize face to face? He let his father know that he had been in contact with Jamie, but still couldn't explain what had happened.

They tried over the next few weeks to get Jamie to open up without demanding an answer from him. Erin invited him over to her place for supper one night; Nicki had been dying to test out a new recipe, and wanted her Uncle Jamie to try it first. Erin knew that Nicki had had her feelings hurt when Jamie nearly ran her down, and if the recipe didn't work out… well, it could be considered her own brand of revenge, unfortunately pulling her innocent mother into the mix. Erin would risk it, though. She was just as worried about her younger brother as the rest of the family.

Danny and Linda had invited him over one afternoon. The boys had wanted a "play date" with their uncle. He had been teaching them a few new basketball skills, and they wanted to show them off now that they had practiced. Jamie had agreed, and to the casual observer he was laughing and having fun with his two young nephews. To Danny's trained eye, and Linda's kind, motherly instinct, Jamie was only showing a mask; on the outside he looked normal, but inside he was a mess. They talked quietly in the kitchen, watching the three play a game of basketball; Jamie wasn't just _letting_ them win. He wasn't even trying.

Frank invited him on several nights to come over to help with renovations. They were fixing up the basement. At the moment, the basement was just one gigantic storage room. Frank and his father, Henry, had been discussing what to do when they got the idea that maybe Jamie would like to help. Jamie had agreed the first few times, even started to come out from behind the walls he had put up. Then Henry let it slip that Jamie seemed better… he instantly retreated, then promptly refused to help anymore. He'd figured out that they were trying to get him to talk.

He was quiet at Sunday dinners. Often reacting mechanically, he did what he had to do, but there was never any enthusiasm to it. He'd respond when spoken to, but it seemed like his own opinions had disappeared entirely. He never started a conversation. He stopped saying Grace at the dinner table.

He had gone back on the job only a week after the incident. At first things seemed okay, but around the time he pulled away from his family, he pulled away from Renzulli, who couldn't even get him to laugh at his lame jokes anymore. He'd even tried dancing once, much to his humiliation. Jamie didn't even crack a smile. He just turned away, softly telling him to stop making a fool of himself. The fear Renzulli felt the night he'd found him returned full force. He kept a close eye on his friend, but his friend never faltered on the job. If anything, he was more aware, more alert, more focused than before. It was like he was doing everything he could to not screw up. He acted like he didn't want to make a single mistake.

Now, standing in front of his brothers apartment door, Danny felt the familiar anger start to rise, followed closely by despair. That afternoon, he had stopped by Jamie's division to invite him for dinner at his favourite restaurant, just the two of them. He hadn't seen his brother in a while and wanted to catch up. Two hours after they were supposed to meet up, Danny was furious. Worried too, but at the moment anger was at the forefront. He hated being stood up! He paid the waitress for the meal he ended up eating alone then stormed out to his car. He muttered furiously to himself the whole drive over to Jamie's apartment, something about "ungrateful brat." He was determined to give his brother a piece of his mind, force him to tell him what was going on. He had turned into a completely different person and Danny was tired of it.

He knocked on the door. No answer. Danny frowned. He had definitely seen Jamie's car in the parking lot. He knocked again.

"Jamie? Come on, kid, open the door. I know you're in there!"

Still no answer. Danny's heart rate sped up. "Damn it, Jamie. What are you doing in there?" He pulled out his keys, unlocking the door and pushing it open. He quickly stepped inside, closing the door behind him. "Jamie, you know I don't like being stood up, buddy. Where are you?" he called as he stepped through the small entryway into the living room. He paused, his breath catching. The usually spotless living room, illuminated by a single lamp, was a mess. Papers everywhere, dishes littering the surfaces. They looked like they had been there for days. Danny stared at the coffee table, the one place that worried him the most. It was littered with beer bottles, and bottles of much harder liquids. It looked like an alcohol factory. He hoped that Jamie had had company recently, but knew in his heart that this was not the case. Danny forced his lungs to work again as he scanned the room. No Jamie. He took a quick glance into the kitchen, just as messy as the living room. No Jamie. He peered down the empty hallway. The bathroom door was open as was the spare room. Jamie's door was closed.

Danny's heart tried to beat its way out of his chest. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he pulled out his cellphone, dialing his father.

"Danny, what's up?" his father answered after two rings. He must have looked at the caller ID. "Did Jamie meet you at the restaurant?"

"No… no, he stood me up."

Frank must have caught the tone in Danny's voice. "What's wrong?"

"Dad, I'm at Jamie's apartment… it's a disaster. He's a neat freak, he's usually spotless… it looks like a homeless person lives here! Dad..." Danny paused, voice catching. "There are alcohol bottles everywhere. Most are empty. None are more than half full."

There was a pained pause from the other end of the line. "Where's Jamie?"

"He must be in his room, dad. The door is closed."

There was another pause. "I'm coming over."

"No! Dad, no… not now. I…. I don't know what I'm going to find…" Danny choked off, running a hand through his hair.

"Fine." Frank replied, his voice wavering dangerously. "When you find him… you get back to me. Then you are _not_ going to stop me from seeing my son." Frank's voice cracked on the last few words, but his tone left no room for argument.

"I promise." Danny half whispered, his own voice husky. "I'll call as soon as I can." He disconnected the call, his heart in his throat. How did things get so bad? He had seen that something was wrong with his brother, but how could he have not seen just how bad things had gotten? Why hadn't he dropped by sooner? Why hadn't he _forced_ him to talk?

Danny shook off his self-loathing and turned to the hallway. Taking a deep breath, he started walking. Walking just a few feet down the hall felt like an eternity. Everything moved in slow motion. He stopped in front of Jamie's door. He thought about knocking but decided to just walk in, feeling that Jamie likely wouldn't answer him. He placed his hand on the door handle and took another deep breath. He closed his eyes, praying for strength, not knowing what he would find on the other side of the door. He turned the handle, swinging the door open.

Lamp light filtered down the hall from the living room, softly illuminating the darkened bedroom.

Danny froze in the doorway, eyes wide. His heart stuttered to a halt.

~~BB~~

He could hear nothing, see nothing, _feel_ nothing except the pain. Agony tore from every bone, joint, and fibre in his body. Needles tore at his skin. His breath came in gasps, his face was wet.

The curved metal was still in his hand.

He just wanted it all to end. He wanted the pain to go away.

Then out of nowhere, a small pin-prick of light in front of him, reaching towards him, getting brighter, larger. Warmth touched his face. He leaned into it gratefully.

The pain lessened.

~~To Be Continued~~


	2. Chapter 2

His Darkest Hour

**Disclaimer:** Same as before. Nothing's changed.

**A/N:** Okay, second half is out! I'm lucky I managed to get it tweaked enough to publish it - I'm sitting here listening to Gothic/orchestra/violin music and I keep spacing out. I must be in some kind of mood tonight - I've stared at the same line for minutes on end, my mind going in every direction except on the words in front of me. O_o (The same music, take note, that helped me write this in the first place LOL). Then the upstairs neighbours dropped something heavy - nothing wakes you up like something sounding like it's going to land on your head! Or your laptop about to fall off your lap. LOL

I tossed Renzulli into the mix because I get a kick out of the guy and I like how he interacts with Jamie. I don't know much about him besides his gambling (and that he likes to eat), so I've probably taken a few liberties with his character. ;)

Anyhoo, enough rambling. Here you go. Enjoy! :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 2<span>

Danny's heart kicked into high gear, beating its way out of his chest. His brother was sitting on the bed, clad in nothing but jeans, head bowed. His elbows rested on his knees, his fists clamped on his short hair, knuckles white. Sobs tore from his throat, breath coming in gasps.

Danny wanted to cry. He didn't need to guess anymore about what his brother was thinking. Clamped tightly in his right hand was his off-duty gun. Jamie's finger kept stroking the trigger. At least he wasn't pointing it at himself. Not yet, anyway. If Danny had gone home instead, if he had gotten to Jamie's apartment just minutes later… there would be no question as to what he'd find later on.

It was foolish. This was an unstable man with a gun in front of him, but Danny didn't care. This unstable man was his happy-go-lucky little brother. He immediately knelt in front of him, ignoring the dangerous weapon in Jamie's right hand. Staring up into his brothers face, whose eyes were tightly closed as the tears still cascaded, he felt the tears start rolling down his own face.

"Jamie." He spoke gently, softly as to avoid startling him. He reached forward, gently stroking a thumb over the tears on his cheek. "Jamie, please look at me. Please open your eyes."

Jamie didn't open his eyes, but he leaned slightly into Danny's touch. His breath still gasped, but he started to breathe easier.

"Jay, please buddy, _please_ look at me." Danny begged. He took his brothers face in both hands, extra careful not to startle him. "Come on, Jamie…"

Jamie's eyelids twitched as he slowly opened them to meet his brothers worried gaze.

"Danny…." His voice was rough, thick and hoarse from alcohol and crying. His eyes were reddened and puffy.

To Danny, the very much alive blue orbs that stared back at him were the most beautiful things on the planet. They were hazy and filled with pain and loss, but they were alive. Danny's breath hitched. "Oh God, Jamie…" Reaching up, he pulled Jamie into a tight hug, clutching him like he would never let him go.

Jamie gave a start, his eyes widening. Another sob tore from his throat.

Danny heard the welcome sound of the gun hitting the floor as Jamie let it fall. Then he felt Jamie's strong arms wrap around him, hands clutching desperately at his shirt. His body shook as he sobbed into Danny's shoulder.

Finally, Jamie started to quiet, his grip on Danny's shirt loosening. Danny pulled away, but found Jamie's hands and gripped them tightly, fearing that Jamie might go for his fallen gun. He stared into his brother's wet face, feeling the air cool the tears that rested on his own.

"Jamie…"

"It's my fault…" Jamie whispered, voice still cracking.

"What is, buddy?" Danny prompted gently.

"Everything… Sergeant Calito's death. Sydney leaving me. _Everything_." Jamie's voice broke on the last word.

"Jay, no… it's _not_ your fault. You could have been killed that night. Calito saved your life, and the report shows that you fired your weapon when you needed to. And Sydney left of her own choice. Don't you _dare_ blame yourself for that."

"I pushed her away. And Calito's death _was_ my fault, Danny. I wasn't fast enough. I froze Danny…" the torment in his voice was palpable.

"You had just been clocked, Jamie. Then you were staring down the barrel of a gun. Anyone would freeze. Carlito did his job, he acted to save your life. Instead of shooting you, the guy turned on Calito. He fired. You fired. _Yes_, Jamie, you did your job." Danny insisted firmly, seeing Jamie about to protest. "I couldn't be more proud." he added softly. "You couldn't have done anything differently."

Jamie stared at him, worrying his bottom lip. Danny gazed back, giving his hands a squeeze.

"You hear me, Jamie? Whatever you think is your fault,_ it is not_, and _never will be_. Do _not_ blame yourself!"

Jamie's face crumpled, but the tears stayed away. "God, Danny…"

Danny touched his face, turning his gaze back to meet his. "What? What is it?"

Jamie stared, unsure. "Danny… I need help… please,_ help me._" he pleaded, eyes filling with more tears that he tried to keep at bay.

Danny pulled him into another tight hug. "I'm going to do everything I can, Jamie. I'm not going to leave you. Dad, Grandpa, Erin and Linda, the kids, none of us are _ever_ going to leave you. So don't you _dare_ leave us!" Danny's voice cracked again as he gave his brother another squeeze.

Jamie grasped at him desperately. "I'm so tired, Danny…" he trailed off, slumping into his brother, emotionally and physically drained.

"I know you are, kid. I know." He stood, helping his brother lay down. He pulled the covers over him. "Try to sleep, Jay. I'm going to be right here when you wake up. I won't leave you." Danny told him, stroking his forehead, softly running his fingers through his hair like their parents used to do when they were kids and were feeling upset or were sick. Jamie leaned into the warm touch, closing his eyes. Danny stayed put a few minutes longer. Jamie's soft snores told him he'd finally found some peace. Quietly, he picked up Jamie's gun, taking it with him as he walked into the hallway. He partially closed the door behind him, leaving it open a crack so he could hear his brother should he wake.

Walking into the living room, he scrubbed a hand over his eyes. Grinding to a halt, his heart jumped into his throat as he saw a figure sitting forlornly on the couch. His heart fell back into place as he recognized the man.

"Tony? What are you doing here?"

Renzulli glanced up at Danny, eyes glistening with tears. "Your father called me personally, said something was seriously wrong with Jamie, that you had banned him from coming over, and that I needed to get my ass over here on the double. He scared the shit out of me. I thought… well, I don't _know_ what I thought… but he truly scared me."

Danny couldn't help but smirk. Typical of his father. He was grateful, though. Renzulli was one of Jamie's closest friends, not merely his Sergeant, or his Training Officer. He knew Jamie trusted him with his life. So did he. "How'd you get in here? How much did you see?"

Renzulli paused, a pained look on his face. "You didn't lock the door behind you. Besides, Jamie gave me an extra key, just in case. I would have used it if you had done your duty and locked the door." Renzulli gave him a half-hearted smirk.

Danny had the decency to look sheepish. "I wasn't thinking about door locks." he defended himself before repeating his second question. "How much did you see?"

The pained look returned. "I saw the gun fall from his hand. Damn it, Danny! I should have known he was getting to this point. I should have guessed…"

"Tony, stop." Danny interrupted him. "How could you have known?_ I_ didn't even know!"

Tony looked at him point blank. "Have you been here before? At this exact point?"

Danny looked startled. "No. It's gotten bad, but no, never this bad. Why?"

"I have, Danny. Not quite to this point, but almost. If it wasn't for my wife…"

"Geez, Tony, I didn't know…"

"I hit rock bottom, but I got help. Now I refuse to let the job get to me like that."

Danny felt a pang in his chest. "You went back, but Tony… I don't think…."

"I know." Tony said softly. "I know, Danny. In fact, though he's one of the best I've ever had the pleasure of supervising, I'd almost prefer if he _didn't_ come back. Is that bad?"

Danny smiled softly. "No. No, that's not a bad thing to say. I feel the same way, but if we know Jamie…"

"He'll be back?"

"Yeah."

"What is it, Danny?" Tony asked, immediately picking up on the despair in Danny's voice, reading the pain on his face.

"Tony, I… I just can't go through this again. I can't lose another brother, and I can't watch Jamie go through this again. When I opened that door to his apartment… well, look at this place! My heart dropped, but it stopped completely when I opened the bedroom door. I've never seen Jamie like that before, never. Not even when we lost Mom, or Joe. He blames himself for everything…" Danny trailed off.

"Yeah, I heard."

They sat in silence before Danny rubbed his hands over his face. "I've got to phone Dad, since I promised I would. What am I going to say?"

Tony looked at him evenly. "The truth."

Danny looked horrified. "What? I'm supposed to tell our father that I walked in on Jamie just minutes, maybe seconds, from shooting himself? I'm supposed to tell him that had I gone home, or had I been later, he'd be down another son?"

"Yes."

"You've gone insane, Sarge. I can't tell him that! It'll break him."

"You have to, Danny. Your family needs to know, maybe not your kids or Nicki, but your family needs to know. It's the only way they can help. If they know how bad he's gotten, they can work towards a solution. Glossing over it never helps anything."

Danny nodded slowly. "I see your point. I hate it already."

Tony gave a short laugh. "You have a call to make. Would you mind if…" he nodded towards Jamie's room.

"Of course not, go in and see him. Just don't wake him up." Danny replied, liking the fact that there would be another pair of eyes on his brother while he was momentarily busy. He'd have to phone Linda, too. Maybe he'd do that first. Save the best – or not – for last.

~~BB~~

Tony approached Jamie's room, treading softly. He could still hear soft snores coming from the bed. Satisfied, he pushed the door open all the way, quietly entering. Despite the mess of the rest of the apartment, Jamie's room was still spotless. He wondered if that was a good thing, or if it was because Jamie hadn't been using it lately. He sat on the floor, facing Jamie, being careful not to jostle the bed as he leaned against it. He brushed a hand gently against the side of his friend's face.

"Jesus, kid. You really know how to scare someone." he spoke in a whisper. "Why, Jamie? Why didn't you go to Danny? Why didn't you let your father know? Why didn't you come to me?" He broke off, afraid that his voice would raise. He steeled himself again. "You're too good, Jamie. This job has torn you apart. You want to see the best in people, and in this job, the best is hard to find. It takes over your life. You've got to find a balance. This wasn't it."

"I know, Sarge."

Tony jumped, startled. "Geez, kid… Danny's going to kill me…"

For the first time in a long time, a tiny smirk quirked Jamie's lips. "You'll be fine."

"He told me not to wake you."

"I woke up on my own."

Tony smiled. That one had almost sounded like a joke. "I'll tell him that." He responded cheekily. Jamie's lips quirked again.

"I'm so tired, Sarge…" Jamie mumbled softly.

Tony brushed a hand over the side of Jamie's face. "Then sleep. I'll stay here, don't worry."

Jamie nodded slightly, his tired eyes closing once again. Tony gave his hand a small squeeze. "I'll be right here." He repeated, mostly to himself. He'd never let Jamie get this way again. He bet his life on it.

~~BB~~

Danny stared at his cellphone. He dreaded phoning his father, but calling Linda to tell him her brother-in-law nearly committed suicide wasn't exactly near the top of his wish list either. He sighed, then dialed his home number.

"Hello?" A sleepy voice answered.

"Hi, babe. Did I wake you?"

"Danny? Is everything okay? It doesn't matter if you woke me, how's Jamie? Did he meet you for dinner?"

"No, he didn't meet me, Linda…"

Linda heard the pained pause in his voice. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm at his apartment..." he paused again, a sob in his voice.

"Danny, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"This place is a mess, Lin. He's usually so spotless. I don't think he's cleaned for weeks!"

"Danny! Tell me what's going on!"

Danny steeled himself. "Linda, I walked in on him in his room… I've never seen him like that… he could have…."

"Danny, you're stuttering, and you're seriously scaring me. Do I have to come over there?" Linda asked, tears in her voice.

"No, no babe. I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "He nearly killed himself, Lin. His gun was in his hand."

"What? No… no, he wouldn't…"

"He would. He was sitting on his bed, crying. I've never seen him cry like that, like his whole entire world had fallen down around him then exploded. His gun was in his hand. God, Linda, if I'd been just a few minutes later, or if I'd gone home instead of coming over here, I wouldn't have found my brother. I would have found a body." His voice broke on the last word. Linda gave a sob over the phone.

"Danny…"

"It's okay, babe. He dropped it. He blames himself for everything negative. To him, everything is his fault."

"That's not true, Danny!"

"I know, babe. I can only hope he realizes that. He's sleeping now. Renzulli's with him."

"Renzulli?" Linda asked. "Why's he there?"

"Dad called him. I had banned him from coming over before I knew what I would find. So he called Tony and sent him over instead."

"Oh God, Danny, your father!"

"I know, Lin. This will break him, but he has to know. It's the only way."

"He's strong, and he'll be strong for Jamie. We all will."

"Thanks, babe. I'm going to stay here tonight, okay? I probably won't be home until later tomorrow. I might get Jamie over to Dad's if I think he'll be able to handle it."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, honey. Your brother needs to be the most important person in your life right now."

"I love you, Linda." Danny said sincerely.

"I love you too, Danny. Watch over him, honey." Linda said softly. "Give him a kiss from me." She teased.

Danny stuttered. "Linda, there's a fine line between brotherly love and creepy…"

Linda gave a short laugh. "I'm kidding honey. Tell him I'm there for him, and that the kids and I send our love."

"I will, babe. Love you."

"Love you too." Linda disconnected the call. Danny stared at his phone. Time to call his father. He swallowed hard, punching in the number. His father answered on the first ring.

"Where is my son? I need to see him."

"Dad, please calm down." Danny tried to placate him.

"Danny…" Frank warned, frustration evident in his voice.

"Dad, you can't just barge over here. Not right now. He needs to sleep."

Frank grunted in frustration, but decided to trust Danny's judgement. "Okay Danny, but you _need_ to tell me. Is my boy okay?"

Danny paused, swallowing. Now or never. "No Dad, he's not. He hasn't been for a while, and it's going to_ be_ a while before he is okay again."

"Talk to me, Danny."

"He… he blames himself for everything bad that's happened. He feels he screws everything up. This last event a month ago is what really did it. He blames himself for Calito's death. He feels he screwed up, that if he'd done something differently, Calito would still be alive. He was staring death in the face that night Dad, but he would gladly have taken the bullet himself if it would have kept Calito alive."

Frank's voice was husky. "That's your brother. As long as no one else gets hurt…"

"Yeah…" Danny trailed off. "Dad…"

"What is it, son?" Frank asked gently, a bad feeling taking hold in his gut as he listened to the pain in his oldest son's voice.

A tear finally trailed down Danny's face. "God, Dad. It was awful…"

"Talk to me, son. What happened?"

"Dad, if I had gone home or if I had gotten here later…."

"Danny…"

Danny pushed on. "When I got here, I couldn't find Jamie, only the mess he'd left behind. His coffee table looked like an alcohol factory. The only door in the hallway that was closed was his room. Dad… I thought… I expected the worst, Dad. I honestly thought…" his voice broke off, choking on a sob.

"Okay, Danny, it's okay son. I'm here." Frank voice wavered, husky with unshed tears, but right now he refused to let them fall. Danny needed him, and he was going to be strong for him.

"Dad," Danny continued. "I… I didn't realize how close I was to the truth."

Frank felt like he'd been punched. For a few seconds, he couldn't breathe. He had to deliberately force his lungs to work just so he could keep talking to Danny. It wasn't unexpected, but Danny's words made it all too real. "Keep going, Danny."

"I opened his door. He was sitting on his bed, hunched over. I've never seen him cry like that Dad, not even with Mom, or Joe. His world had exploded around him. It was like he had nothing left. Dad… his gun was in his hand. It was probably the only thing that felt real to him at that moment. I'm guessing at that point, he'd probably given himself minutes. Minutes, Dad! He was full-on flirting with the Reaper. I could have found…" he choked off again. He cleared his throat before attempting to continue. "I could have found his body. If I had been any later… "

Frank wiped his eyes. He'd been unable to keep the tears at bay. Henry sat watery-eyed beside him. Frank had put on the speaker phone at Henry's insistence.

"Danny, how is he now?"

"Sleeping. Renzulli's with him now. Dad, you sound far away…"

"Speakerphone. Your grandfathers idea."

Danny looked horrified. "Oh God, Grandpa! I didn't know… you shouldn't have heard that…"

"Yes, Danny. I should have. I needed to. I need to be able to help my grandson." Henry insisted firmly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Danny. You did everything you could. We will all do everything we can. We're his family, we won't leave him now. We'll never leave him."

Danny nodded his resolve. "You're right, Dad. Look, I'm going to stay here tonight. By the looks of it, so will Renzulli. I'll see how he is in the morning. If he's up to it, I'll bring him over to you. I think… I think he should stay with you for awhile, let him get some help, let him see that we're there for him. I'll even stay there if it'll help. I bet Erin and Nicki would, too. I just can't lose him, Dad. I _can't._"

"I know, son." Frank choked out. "Believe me, I know. Alright, I'll see him tomorrow, because you'd better believe that, even if you _don't_ bring him over here, I will _not_ be refused again. I _will_ see my son!"

Danny swallowed again. "Yes, Dad. I'm sorry. I was just looking out for him. I didn't want to shock him all at once."

"I know, Danny. You're so good with him. Goodnight, Danny. Give Jamie my love."

"And mine!" Henry piped up.

"I will. Goodnight Dad, Grandpa."

Danny disconnected the call, leaning back on the couch and closing his eyes. He felt Tony sit beside him.

"It's going to be okay." Tony told him firmly.

Danny opened his eyes and looked at the Sergeant. The look of determination on his face was enough to convince him that Renzulli spoke the truth. It'd be a long, tough road, and like anything else, there would be bumps and obstacles to cross, but they'd get through it.

Together.

Always.

END.


End file.
